back in business
by kubla2
Summary: cordano (sequel to salt in the wound) with ella, mother c and lizzie's 40th bday; disclaimer:characters not mine
1. Default Chapter

She had kept her emotions in check until she was out of the hospital and almost alone on the el platform. Suddenly she felt a knot of sobs gathering at the back of her throat, choking her and clapped a hand to her mouth to hold in the cry that was pushing against her teeth. Her back against the station wall, Elizabeth willing herself to just try to keep it all in until she reached home, paid Kris, and shut the door behind her. Then she could cry all she wanted, head buried in the sofa cushion to muffle the noise so as not to wake her daughter.  
  
When she got to the house, though, Kris's Toyota wasn't there, and a little red sportscar was parked in the drive. Elizabeth tensed as she put her key in the lock, unsure of what to expect. "Kris?" she called softly as she stepped inside. "Disappointed?" responded a low voice, and Edward appeared from around the corner. Elizabeth froze in shock and then in a fast, fluid movement she was in his arms, pushing him toward the living room couch, breathlessly kissing him, pawing at his clothes. It took literally less than a minute for them to be standing next to the sofa naked and staring at each other, panting from the speed with which they had performed the necessary operations of unbuttoning buttons and unbuckling belts. Dorsett caught his breath and smiled at her cockily, "After last night, I wasn't so sure about us." "But now," he continued," taking a step toward her, "I'll allow you to reassure me."  
  
**  
  
Robert woke up slowly, groggy from the sedatives. His eyes adjusted to the dim light in his room, and he looked around slowly, hoping against hope that she hadn't really left, but realizing it was too quiet, he knew she had. He swallowed hard and blinked rapidly then pressed the lever to move the bed so that he could sit upright. Taking a few deep breaths, he turned his gaze left and down, and then reached over with his right hand to pull the hospital gown off of his shoulder. What he saw did not even seem a part of himself but rather of some other poor slob, some patient that he had just patched up, someone who should consider themselves lucky to be alive. He touched his own left shoulder, then pressed his fingernails deep into what was left of his bicep. A strange vibration radiated down the limb that was no longer there. Feeling a little sick to his stomach from the experiment, he turned his head away, only to see the door begin to open and an orderly enter with a tray. He hastily hunched his shoulder to slip it back into the gown, as if he could somehow hide the reality of what had happened to him from others. Maybe if he didn't have to see the horror and pity on their faces, he wouldn't have to face how he now felt about himself.  
  
**  
  
Elizabeth opened her eyes slightly to see him hunch into his shirt and then pull on his pants before picking up his belt and shoes to put on in the hallway. Edward never kissed her goodbye when he left, and she knew she didn't want him to. He just showed up, ripped her clothes off, and did what he wanted to do. Sometimes he'd announce that he was on his way into work and only had ten minutes. On those days, they'd keep their clothes on, and just move things aside where needed. They had a routine now. Each week they glanced at each other's schedules, and Elizabeth knew when he'd come by the house. Their relationship progressed without explanations or analyses and was so casual that coworkers had forgotten about it. It helped that he was still chasing and catching other women, but there was something about what he had with Elizabeth that he wasn't ready to give up. She was a woman with no demands, emotional or physical, and he liked that.  
  
At home and at work, Elizabeth felt comfortably numb. Days blurred together, except when a technically challenging procedure in the OR woke her from her stupor and summoned all of her skills. At these rare moments she'd feel more alive than usual and become more aware that the dull ache of loneliness could quickly turn to a sharp pang.  
  
Today, though, was a mindless day of paperwork. Reading through old morbidity and mortality transcripts and signing off on them. Most of the files had already been summarized by Kerry's secretary and signed by Dr. Weaver, Chief of Staff. Elizabeth only had to glance over a few pages of each to see that she hadn't been misquoted in her testimony and then she could initial them and send them back upstairs. One of the older ones seemed to be missing the summary, though, and Elizabeth looked at it more closely. Instead of the neatly typed-up report from Kerry's office, there was a scrawled note paperclipped to the last page. "OD not pill but shot. Syph? Ask Lizzie." She stiffened. It was Robert's writing.  
  
She read the report over carefully, pulling out a pad to make her own notes. Robert was right. The allergic reaction was not consistent with oral penicil but with a high dose injection. And the photo from the autopsy showed faint traces of healed lesions on the patient's skin, something that she hadn't seen when she was opening his chest. Why had the young man told the nurse that he'd borrowed a friend's prescription for his strep throat? Was he that embarrassed to admit what was wrong? But he must have admitted it to someone since he'd have to have gotten the shot at a clinic. This was something that Kerry should see. But Kerry had seen it, Elizabeth now remembered. She had been observing the emergency surgery as if her own life depended on it. Elizabeth slipped the report into her bag to take home and think about later.  
  
After putting Ella to bed, Elizabeth pulled the file out of her bag. Instead of reaching for her own notes and questions, she picked out Robert's three-line memo, fingering the wrinkes in the paper thoughtfully. Looking at the date on the file, she realized that this must have been the last one in his stack of reports before he lost his position as chief of staff. Would he even care now if his questions about the case were answered? But Elizabeth knew that he would and that she was the person he would have been asking. Not just because she'd been the operating surgeon but because despite what he said, her opinion mattered to him.  
  
She missed their conversations even though they often sounded more like quarrels. She missed feeling that what she said mattered. And she missed their ability to communicate without words, just through long, slow looks. She shook her head at the thought of the last examples of their strange telepathy, those moments when his eyes were so deep and sad. His look had said, "I need you. Please stay." But he had told her to go, so she had listened and left.  
  
In the end, she convinced herself that staying away from Robert was the best thing she could do for him. Of course he would not want her to see him weak. Of course it was kinder to let other hands treat him so that their clinical touch could not be confused with something like caring. It would be unfair to let him get the wrong idea about her, to promise him any possibility of a personal relationship only to retract the imagined offer once he had started to feel strong again.  
  
When people would ask her if she'd heard from him, they were surprised when she said no, as if she and he had ever been close friends. When Susan talked about sending him cards or flowers Elizabeth just ignored her, strictly adhering to her policy of non-interference. When Kerry implied that someone should go to his house and just check that he was still alive, Elizabeth snorted. Kerry was the last person to really care about Robert, after all. Maybe Kerry just wanted to make sure he was out of the way so that she could remain unrivaled in her current position of power.  
  
But this young man's death bothered Elizabeth as did the idea that Robert had left his work unfinished, something for Kerry to criticize and Donald to use against him. So despite her best judgment, Elizabeth began to look for his home phone number in the drawer of her desk. Going through old agendas, she came up with nothing. She had strictly avoided entering his home number into her private phone book, although she did have his pager number burned into her brain. She rifled through the white pages where he wasn't listed, but just as she was about to give up she saw a long blue envelope with his writing on it sticking out from a pile of cards. What's this? she thought. She opened it up and found a form letter that began: "A contribution has been made in your names." In the blank provided Robert had written "Mark, Elizabeth, Rachel and Ella." The form letter continued with something about the American Cancer Foundation, and at the very bottom Robert had simply added, "I'm so sorry." There was no signature, but on the envelope there was a return address label.  
  
**  
  
The next afternoon, upon arriving home, Elizabeth asked Kris to stay for another hour so that she could do a few errands. As she drove to Robert's house, she felt strangely nervous about seeing him. After six months in England she had sought him out in the hospital without hesitation. Now after six weeks without seeing him, she wasn't sure what she would say. No apologies or excuses, she resolved. Just the matter at hand, the case to be discussed, and then the professional parting. Nothing personal.  
  
When she parked and walked to the front door, she noticed the eastern red bud trees in flower. Had he chosen these? she wondered. She knocked on the imposing front door with the brass knocker and then stopped to listen for footsteps. She hadn't imagined that he would be out, but then again it wasn't like he'd lost both legs. Still, he wouldn't be driving, so he couldn't be far. Unless he'd left town, she thought, suddenly feeling a bit strange. Without saying goodbye? As she had when she'd gone to London. Then she heard something from behind the house. Music. She let out a breath of relief. Solo piano, a classical CD. Robert, she thought.  
  
She tiptoed around the side of the house, not wanting to startle him or rather not wanting him to see her before she saw him first. She just wanted to know how he was, to see how she should handle him, to reserve the right to leave before he knew she had come.  
  
And there he lay on a canvas deck chair, napping. He had piles of medical literature on a table nearby along with a glass of iced tea and a half eaten sandwich. There was a notepad on his chest which rose and fell with his breathing, but the pen he'd been using was on the ground, dropped from the hand that had rolled off the side of the chair when he'd dropped off to sleep. Elizabeth held her breath, wanting to look at him without waking him. She took in his bare feet, blue jeans and rumpled black button-down shirt, open at the neck. He'd let his beard grow in, reddish salted with grey. And his nose and forehead were pink from the start of a sunburn. Elizabeth let out her breath in surprise when a huge dog came bounding toward them, barking.  
  
Robert sprung awake and the notepad slipped to the ground as he sat up. The dog ran to him, stopped, and sat, putting its over-sized head gently in its master's lap. Robert leaned down to give the dog a kiss between the ears before admonishing it with a laugh and a shake of the head, "Keep dreaming, kid. You haven't caught a squirrel in 6 years." The dog raised its head, turned and barked, and as Robert's eyes followed the animal's gaze, he recognized Elizabeth's retreating figure as she made her way quickly back to her car.  
  
"Wait," he said just before she reached the driveway, and she paused for a moment. He said nothing else, and she could hear that he wasn't moving toward her. Elizabeth had left the file on the patio table, having decided that this gesture was sufficient. He seemed healthy enough and happy enough lying in his garden in the afternoon sun. She could just leave quietly without disturbing his life. He'd certainly be better off. They both would.  
  
But she couldn't help herself. She turned around and met his eyes and began walking back to him. "You were sleeping," she answered. He nodded and then looked up. "I guess that's why I keep missing your visits," he added, his voice low and gravelly, and strangely lacking in irony. His words were not at all a reproach. Instead he was offering this lame excuse for her so that she wouldn't have to invent one for herself. "Oh Robert," she sighed, shaking her head. If I had only known that you wouldn't be angry, she thought, I'd have come sooner.  
  
He turned away and into the house and Elizabeth wondered for a minute if he was paying her back, letting her know how it felt to be left standing alone. But he reemerged with a glass of iced tea, handed it to her and nodded to a chair. She sat, picked up the file, and began presenting the case. 


	2. ch 2

He could hear her but wasn't really listening to what she was saying. He knew what she'd found anyway. He should have interrupted, but he just liked the sound of her voice, the idea that she was so close he could reach out his hand and touch her. He wouldn't though. He was afraid even to look directly at her, fearing she might disappear. So he fixed his gaze on Gretel, curled up now at the end of his lounge chair, taking her turn at a nap.  
  
When Elizabeth ended he cleared his throat. "Does Ella like puzzles?" he asked. "What?" she replied, taken off guard by the seeming non sequitur. "Well," he continued slowly, "all kids do. But sometimes they get frustrated when the pieces don't fit. " He paused, then asked drily "When Ella can't find the right piece, do you give it to her?" Elizabeth lifted her gaze to meet his. "Sometimes," she answered, "But I never hide it in my hand."  
  
Robert carefully lifted a stack of journals and pulled out a thin folder and handed it to Elizabeth. Inside she found a single photocopied sheet of paper. It was a public health form for declaring infectious STDs. The patient information was all there: age, sex, symptoms. Except for the name. It was signed by Susan Lewis and dated sometime from the week that Robert had lost his job as chief of staff. "A gift from Brenda," Robert added with a little smile. "You remember my former assistant?" he asked Elizabeth, "She knew that I didn't really want carnations."  
  
Elizabeth was still uncertain. The symptoms listed were those of syphilis, but the patient's age and other health conditions did not correspond to those of the young man she had treated. She waited for Robert to explain, but he was waiting for her to ask. And suddenly she did feel like a frustrated child ready to stamp her foot and scream, "Just tell me!" She hated that he made her feel like this, that he would never just give her what she needed, that he seemed to enjoy making her come to him and ask ever so politely. This time, though, he didn't seem to be enjoying himself as much as usual.  
  
"Sixty year old man," he continued, "comes in with arythmia, but Susan finds syphilis. Leave it to Susan! But she doesn't have a chart from that day with a sixty-year-old white male. Kerry does."  
  
"But the boy was only twenty-two," Elizabeth objected irritably.  
  
"Not the same day," Robert replied patiently, taking a deep breath and adding. "Kerry may be in bed with the alderman, but so was your patient."  
  
Elizabeth gasped, putting the pieces together immediately. Then, indignantly, unbelievingly, she retorted, "Robert. You're saying that Kerry covered up Bright's condition and his lover's? You think that she treated the boy without taking a history or making a chart? You're accusing Kerry of killing that young man?"  
  
Robert didn't answer at first, but then in a quiet voice, responded, "I'm not accusing anybody."  
  
Then it really sunk in. Kerry's anxiety about the young man's condition. The alderman's concern about the body of his assistant. Kerry's sudden rise and Robert's precipitous fall. But why wasn't Robert enjoying his power to destroy his rival? Did he want to protect the boy's memory? The alderman's good name? The hospital's funding?  
  
As if she had asked these questions aloud, Elizabeth leaned back and looked him in the eye. "Well?" she asked.  
  
Darkness was falling and she couldn't see Robert's expression but could sense that it too was dark. "If only it had been embezzlement, or even better, sexual harrassment," he ironized. "All of the mistakes Kerry could make, and she chose this one."  
  
Elizabeth didn't understand. She waited for him to explain, but he just sat there. So she broke the silence stuttering, "B-b-but it wasn't a mistake. Robert, she killed that boy. It was gross negligence and covered up by all sorts of lies. And exploited to earn her a raise and a promotion. What she did was not only incorrect but immoral. Robert!" Elizabeth's voice had risen with each sentence, trying to provoke a response from the quiet man on the other side of the table.  
  
Slowly, he shifted positions on his chair. He'd been reclining when she'd presented the file. Now he turned to face her. "Elizabeth," he began carefully. "If I report Kerry she doesn't just lose her job as chief of staff, she loses her license. She loses her job as a doctor. She killed a patient and covered it up. She would never practice again."  
  
"So you're not going to do anything!" Elizabeth sputtered. "You're going to let her get away with this. You're going to be complicit in a cover- up, and now Susan and I are implicated too." She felt the blood rushing to her face in anger. Anger at Kerry but also anger at Robert's inaction. What had happened to his unstoppable ambition? What had happened to his take-no-prisoners attitude?  
  
"The puzzle can't be completed without all of the pieces, "he reminded her tersely. "And I guess I just don't want to play nicely. I won't give you my piece."  
  
"Fine," Elizabeth retorted, getting to her feet and returning the folder to the table. She was about to tell Robert that she didn't need his help, that she would resolve this situation herself, that she wasn't afraid to tell the truth and even to lose some friends along the way.  
  
But his voice turned gentle when he called her back, "Lizzie. Please." He was standing now and moved toward her until they faced each other. She stiffened her back and glared down at him; he looked at her with his quiet, deep-set eyes. She could barely see their expression in the twilight but she could feel their pull. He reached out, took her hand and gently drew her back to where they'd been, except this time, they both sat down side by side on the long lounge chair. She was so close, he could speak quietly, almost whispering.  
  
"If I turn her in, I do to Kerry what that helicopter did to me. I take away the best thing about her. I take away her reason for living. I take away her ability to give other people back their lives." He stopped, swallowing almost inaudibly. "And if I don't, she can continue to be a doctor, and probably a better doctor than before. She can save people. She can do what I no longer can."  
  
Hearing his words, finally understanding why, Elizabeth felt tears well up in her eyes and crowd the back of her throat. "But she called you a cockroach," Elizabeth blurted helplessly.  
  
Robert laughed softly. "You've called me worse," he reminded Elizabeth. Unable to object, Elizabeth wiped away a tear and turned to smile at him, but Robert had risen from his place and retreated into his kitchen, closing the patio door behind him. 


	3. ch 3

Elizabeth woke to the sound of a pager, but when she rubbed her eyes and looked at the one lying on her nightstand, she realized that the beeps weren't coming from there. She rolled over and nudged Edward. "You're being paged," she said firmly. He groaned and tried to roll away but she grabbed his shoulder. "Edward!" she said a bit more loudly. He finally got up to retrieve the pager from the pocket of his pants which had been thrown on the floor in haste only an hour or so before. Turning off the pager, he looked back at Elizabeth who had her eyes closed and was trying not to lose sleep over this interruption. "I have to go," he apologized. She didn't reply, letting him dress in silence in the darkened bedroom. "By the way," he added before sliding on his shoes, "Romano's back."  
  
**  
  
The next day, Elizabeth was on edge, looking around for signs of Robert but not wanting to ask anyone where he was or what he was doing in the hospital. To stop from obsessing between procedures, she pursued her new little habit: observing Kerry Weaver. Over the last two weeks she had watched Kerry on about five or six shifts and had realized that Kerry was perhaps the most competent ER doctor she had ever seen. When working a trauma, Kerry personified efficient action and total focus. When dealing with distraught parents or scared kids, she demonstrated a compassion which Elizabeth had never before noticed. But Robert must have. That's why he had spared his rival's career.  
  
But right now, Kerry had handed off a simple procedure to a student and was headed for the lounge. I might as well keep following her, thought Elizabeth, realizing that she'd been on her feet all day. When she opened the door, Kerry had just taken a seat and was reading a thick file of some sort. Elizabeth nodded hello, found a chair and started flipping through some charts for review. After a few moments of silence, though, Elizabeth looked up to see Kerry looking at her. "Did you know about this?" Kerry asked. "About what?" Elizabeth replied a bit shortly. "Robert's grant?" Kerry answered. Elizabeth opened her mouth to ask for more information when the door to the lounge opened and Jing-Mei Chen entered followed closely by Robert Romano.  
  
"Remember," he was saying, "it's a no-go if they're under fifty pounds." Then he paused and looked at Chen carefully, "I know, I know. It's not pretty, but just read over the results of the pilot study. And then if you don't want to work on this, you'll let me know. By five o'clock today." With that, he looked up, acknowledged Kerry and Elizabeth with a quick nod and blew back out of the room.  
  
Jing-Mei sat down as soon as she could grab a free chair, looking a pale and a bit overwhelmed. "You don't have to do this, Jing-Mei," Kerry said softly. Jing-Mei fixed her eyes on Weaver and responded firmly, "I'm doing this Kerry."  
  
When Kerry left, Elizabeth moved her chair a bit closer to Chen's. "Jing- Mei," she began quietly, "What's going on?" The younger doctor sighed. "It's this study," she answered. "Romano's got a huge grant to look at organ transplant and rejection in kids under twelve. The protocol is a bit unorthodox, though, since we have to get parental consent for experimental treatments to the donors." She drew a deep breath and shook her head before continuing. "It's a great project. Romano's coordinating the efforts between County, Mercy, and Northwestern." Elizabeth nodded, understanding, "And you have to deal with the hysterical parents and dying kids at County."  
  
**  
  
Later that day Elizabeth saw the press release on a bulletin board. She took it down to read it. There was Robert in the photo, not smiling but looking solid. The grant was enormous and the pilot data was impressive. And he would have an office in each hospital.  
  
Throughout the afternoon, Elizabeth thought about his entrance into the lounge. Why hadn't he spoken to her? Was it because Kerry was there? Was it because he was focused on Jing-Mei? In any case, she was certainly not satisfied with his greeting, and the more she thought about it, the more provoked she felt. Well, she thought, he's taken a step back. Time for a step forward in our dance. And she smiled. Having Robert back made her happier than she'd been in a long time. Her peer. Her partner in crime. She looked around in the surgeon's lounge and saw another copy of the press release and tore it down from the board. Folding it in half, she wrote a note on the back: "Let's celebrate. Dinner at my place. Tomorrow at 7." On the way out, she slipped the note under the door to his new office.  
  
**  
  
Day off, she thought stretching in bed. Time to shop, cook, shower, dress. Mmmm. She smiled a bit archly as she imagined the look of surprise on his face when he got her note. After all, he'd waited a long time for an invitation from her. Then, suddenly, she sat up. Would he even be in his office at County today? What if he didn't get the message? She grabbed the phone and dialed the switch board, and pushed 1 for directory. When she reached his voice-mail she heard the following: "This is Dr. Robert Romano, head of pediatric transplant research. I am in this office on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8am to 6pm. Please leave a message or press 2 for more options." Good, she thought, it's Thursday.  
  
**  
  
Robert parked on the street and walked up her driveway in the light summer rain. The end of a thunderstorm, but he'd spent the storm in a wine shop, choosing just the right bottle of burgundy. He still wasn't sure why he was there. He even had the note in his pocket to remind himself that she'd invited him. Her handwriting was unmistakable. He knew it from years of chart reviews and phone messages and memos. Still.  
  
He squared his shoulders under his linen jacket and rang the doorbell. The chimes echoed. No one came to open. No car in the driveway. Robert grimaced. Was she playing a prank on him? Was she angry that he hadn't told her about the grant himself or more likely that he hadn't asked her to coordinate the surgical stage? Well, he had decided from the beginning that doctors with small children were out of this study. He couldn't afford to give them time off for counseling after they'd seen what they would inevitably see.  
  
Robert began to head back to his car, not really irritated and even slightly relieved. He really should have called her to say that it was a kind thought but that he couldn't make it, but he hadn't had the courage to call. He balanced the wine bottle carefully on the roof of the car to find his keys in his pocket. He didn't trust his new prosthetic claw to hold the 1971 Montrachet. Suddenly, he heard brakes and crunching gravel as a car pulled up behind his. 


	4. ch 4

That morning Elizabeth hadn't hurried to get out of bed. She laid back on the pillows smiling to herself. After a mental inventory of her wardrobe, she decided that tailored black trousers and a new green silk blouse would make the right statement. Casual elegance. Maybe with the emerald earrings her dad had given her for her last birthday. And heels. Definitely. Just high enough to look over his head. As for the menu, she would go all English. Roast beef, yorkshire pudding, and what the hell even trifle for dessert. After all, she wasn't sure who could be cooking for Robert. He probably needed a good meal.  
  
After shopping for the food and buying some fresh flowers, Elizabeth headed home with Ella. She hadn't had a guest for some time. At least not in the dining room. She was looking forward to ironing the table cloth, setting out china, choosing some music when her pager went off....  
  
At 5pm, still resectioning a bowel in the OR, Elizabeth began to panic. She couldn't step out to make a phone call, nor could she ask the nurse to dial for her on the speakerphone. After all, Dorsett was there and she'd told him that she was having an evening out with some girlfriends. Not that she should lie. Not that he would care. She shook her head and concentrated on the procedure. She'd just have to call Robert when she got out.  
  
At 6:47 pm, leaving the OR, Elizabeth tried his office and then his home number. She thought about paging him, but she would have to wait by a phone to answer. And Ella was waiting for her in daycare. Maybe the best idea would be to go home, page him, and then wait for his call there. She wouldn't get back until almost 7:30, and he would surely have given up waiting by then.  
  
But when she turned into her street it was only 7:15, and there he was. Standing by his car. She could have turned down the block so that he would leave and they could avoid the awkward explanation. But something in the disappointed slouch of his shoulders caught at her heart, and she pushed forward, parked and got out of her car. "Robert," she called.  
  
He turned to look at her. Several long curls had escaped from the knotted scarf that held back her hair, and they were blowing in the breeze around her face. She was so beautiful it hurt, he thought. Then he noticed that she was wearing scrubs.  
  
"I'm so sorry," she was saying, trying to free a clamoring Ella from the car seat. Robert waited for her to finish the task and turn to him before he spoke, "Called in on your day off, I see. Ah, County! Understaffed and underpaid, isn't that Kerry's motto for the new regime?" Elizabeth laughed a little and took a step toward him with Ella toddling by her side. "The invitation still stands," she perservered, "although I'm afraid the menu will have to be modified."  
  
Robert shook his head. "You should go in and try to take some of today off," he said, stepping back and toward his car. "You're tired. Maybe another time," he was saying. And although during the whole drive home Elizabeth had been practicing these same lines -- "I'm tired. Maybe another time." -- she was suddenly insisting that he stay. "Please stay," she implored. "Really, Robert." And hearing the pleading tone in her mother's voice, Ella repeated, "Really!"  
  
Robert looked down at the little girl's big, blue eyes and sighed. She was truly her mother's daughter. Irresistible. He nodded, and without thinking he reached out to take the child's free hand. Unfortunately, the arm he extended had a steel claw on the end.  
  
But instead of recoiling as did the pedes patients he saw in his research, Ella's eyes widened and she reached out carefully to touch the metal. Elizabeth eyed her daughter warily, afraid she might scare and start to scream. And as worried as she was about Ella's reaction, she was equally concerned with how Robert might take it.  
  
Touching the cold metal, Ella looked up at Robert's warm eyes. "Tin man," she murmured gently. Elizabeth grinned in relief. "Too much Wizard of Oz," she explained, propelling the fascinated child away from Robert and toward the door. Then over her shoulder, "Not the movie. We have this picture book....," she trailed . She was struck suddenly by the thought that the tin man was the one who had a heart all along. She wondered if Robert would recognize the reference.  
  
He didn't seem bothered and just followed her inside, wine bottle still in hand. When they got to the kitchen where bowls and bags and recipes were still apparent from the afternoon of preparations, Elizabeth turned to him with an apologetic smile. "I had high hopes," she explained, "but now I think we'll just have to order in." She looked through a drawer in the kitchen until she found a menu. "Pizza okay?" she asked, sheepishly. "Pepperoni goes perfectly with thirty-year old burgundy," Robert joked. But he was grinning, and she knew it was okay. "Pizza!" cheered Ella somewhere from the living room where she was already rooting through her box looking for the Wizard of Oz book.  
  
Elizabeth called and ordered and Robert leaned against the counter and listened. "Twenty minutes," she reassured him, hanging up the phone with a little sigh and then a big stretch of her tired back muscles. "I could watch her if you wanted to go upstairs and change," he remarked casually, nodding toward the living room and Ella. Elizabeth looked a bit stunned but then glancing down at her scrubs she had to agree that a shower and change of clothes sounded good. "Alright," she assented, "but if you open the wine, she only gets one glass," Elizabeth ended teasingly and before Robert could quip back that burgundy did not belong in a sippy cup, Elizabeth dashed up the stairs.  
  
Ten minutes later, standing in a towel, Elizabeth looked into her closet. Emerald earrings didn't seem right for pizza, so she shrugged and slipped on old jeans and a pink sweater. Pink wasn't her color, but Ella loved her to wear it. She brushed her hair before gathering it in a blue elastic and put on some pink lipstick to match the sweater. To complete the look, she shuffled into her bedroom slippers shaped like wooly white sheep, another favorite of Ella's. She laughed, wondering what Robert would say.  
  
When she got to the bottom of the stairs she heard his voice. She could see him from the back curled up in a corner of the couch with Ella, reading from her new favorite book. The little girl was snuggled against his side, her head resting against his right shoulder. When he got to the munchkin page, he rose his voice a pitch higher to read the munchkin mayor's part, and Elizabeth couldn't stifle a giggle. Robert turned and met her smile with his own. "It looks like Glenda the good witch has arrived to save me," he laughed as Ella scrambled down to run to her mother. "Mommy, mommy," Ella exclaimed. "He does all of the animals!" Elizabeth's smile grew broader. "Even Toto?" she asked with feigned innocence. Before Robert could reply that he had risen to the challenge of Auntie Em's barnyard with aplomb, the pizza arrived.  
  
Instead of the dining room, Elizabeth brought paper plates and napkins to the coffee table so that they could stay on the sofa. She made a concession for the wine, though, and carried in two crystal goblets. "Shall we toast?" she asked, as she poured each of them a glassful. Robert took his glass from her hand, leaned back into the sofa cushion with Ella leaning against him as she drank juice from her sippy cup. He looked down at Ella and then up at Elizabeth then raised his glass to her. "There's no place like home," he said and reached out to clink his glass against hers.  
  
Just then the phone rang and Elizabeth put her glass down and reached for the cordless. When she heard the voice on the other end she stood up and moved to the kitchen, mouthing to Robert, "I'll be right back." When the door swung shut, she moved to the far end of the room, as far out of Robert's hearing as possible so that she could reply, "Look, I'm just so tired." When Edward kept insisting, she interrupted and almost shouted, "I said not tonight. I mean it. I'll see you tomorrow," and she hung up.  
  
When she put down the phone on the counter she stopped for a moment, surprised at the tone she had just used. Why had she been so annoyed with him? Why had she hung up without a goodbye? Well, she did have company. And at that thought, she composed herself and returned to the living room to find Ella sleeping with her head in Robert's lap, his fingers absently stroking her soft, blond curls as he stared into space. His eyes met Elizabeth's but his hand continued its gentle motion, and Elizabeth could see that Ella was smiling a little in her dream. Her heart knocked hard in her chest as she looked at the two of them. Edward had never shown the least bit of affection to her daughter.  
  
She looked back up at Robert and whispered, "Sorry," and moved to pick up the sleepy bundle and carry her upstairs. A few minutes later, she was back, and Robert was sipping his wine leaving the pizza to congeal on his plate. "I can heat it up," apologized Elizabeth. "No," he replied quicky and quietly, "I can just go." Again she found herself protesting, "Robert, come on now! I know it's not the finest fare, but please don't leave. Not before dessert." Hearing what she'd just offered, Elizabeth blushed pinker than her sweater. Robert waited for her to recover before he smiled at her with just the tiniest hint of malice. "It had better be chocolate," he responded. With that Elizabeth bounded to the kitchen, wondering what she would serve him. She hadn't made the trifle (which wasn't chocolatey anyway), and she was almost out of ice cream (which was some sort of peanut butter flavor). She heard the door swing open behind her and Robert come in with her wine glass in his hand. "If you drink my French wine, I'll eat your Chicago pizza," he bargained with a wink. Then he looked down sorrowfully and murmured, "I'm sorry I'm such a bad guest."  
  
Elizabeth laughed. "You're a perfect guest Robert. You've overlooked the cold food and refrained from commenting on my fluffy slippers. You will definitely be invited back," she promised as they returned to the living room together.  
  
After sharing the observation that certain types of deep-dish pizza could be eaten cold if accompanied by just the right wine, the conversation began to come more easily. They talked about food and favorite restaurants and favorite cities and favorite countries. They disagreed on most things but in such an agreeable way that three hours past without a pause. As Robert reached for the wine bottle, he noticed it was empty just as Elizabeth realized that the pizza was gone. "Dessert?" she asked. "Hmmm," Robert agreed. "But I have a confession to make," Elizabeth continued. I don't have chocolate. Just sponge cake, whipping cream and strawberries." "Were you going to make me trifle?" Robert asked with mock awe. Elizabeth grinned and added, "I had even planned a yorkshire pudding." Robert didn't say anything for a moment, but when he began to speak again his voice was low and choked, as if he were truly moved by her elaborate dinner plans. "I'm touched, really," he began, "I haven't..." But before he could finish they were both startled by the sound of a key in the door. 


	5. ch 5

As he heard the bolt spring back, Robert jumped, dashed for the kitchen and out the side door of the house. As if he hadn't already known the identity of her late night visitor, the red sportscar parked jauntily in front of Elizabeth's driveway said it all. Dorsett. He had been the one on the phone, and she had probably told him to wait until after eleven. Well, it was after eleven and he should be happy that he'd spent those four uninterrupted hours with Elizabeth, Robert tried to convince himself. But he couldn't help letting the muscles in his jaw tense around the jealous words he wanted to say to her. You shouldn't have invited me, he thought. I'd just about given up on you when you did. Dammit, he thought, I have to stop staring at her house and get in the car and drive home. And so he did just that.  
  
Elizabeth was on her feet, staring after Robert as Edward caught her hand and laughed. « Romantic dinner with Romano ? » he chuckled. « You really want in on that research grant, don't you ? » he joked. When she didn't answer, he continued with mock hurt, « Should I be jealous, Elizabeth ? After all, you told me you couldn't see me tonight. »  
  
Elizabeth turned and stared at Edward Dorsett. Something in his laugh seemed cruel and hurtful. She felt every muscle in her body tense as she broke his grip on her left hand and held out her right palm to him. « My key, please, » she said coldly.  
  
**  
  
The next day in the hospital Robert wasn't in, but Elizabeth still flinched every time she passed the name plate on the door to his office. Should she call to apologize ? What would she say ? Was an apology even necessary ? What had she really done wrong ? And hadn't she made it right by making Dorsett to leave ?  
  
Elizabeth tried to push thoughts of Robert out of her mind, but she couldn't help feeling guilty. About ten times a day she wanted to call him, but she felt like she wouldn't know what to say if she couldn't see his eyes. She thought about going to his home but hesitated. If he was hurt, nursing his wound, should she really invade that one safe place ?  
  
So irritable and anxious, she waited until Tuesday.  
  
**  
  
8 am, Elizabeth watched him open the door to his office. She took a deep breath and followed him before he even had a chance to turn and close the door. He gasped in surprise to find her standing so close when he turned around and jumped back instinctively as if he'd been burned. Well, he has been, she thought.  
  
Safe on the other side of the desk, Robert met her gaze and steadied his own. Bold at first, Elizabeth now felt small and scared in his presence. « Robert, » she began haltingly, «I just wanted to apologize for Thursday.. » When his face didn't change, she pushed on. « I really wasn't planning for.. » Then she really couldn't continue. She felt absolutely wretched and could only seem to twist her fingers together and look down at them, hoping that he would say something to save her from her ever-deepening embarrassment.  
  
He cleared his throat. « Elizabeth, I should apologize, » he said in measured tones. « I should have called to thank you, but I've been swamped. » Pausing to attempt a joke he added, « Too many little livers, too little time. »  
  
Elizabeth winced a bit at the joke and looked down again. When it was obvious that he had nothing more to say, she made one last effort, one last attempt at earning his forgiveness. « I just don't want you to think.. »  
  
« Elizabeth, » he interrupted sharply, coming out from behind the desk. She was still twisting her fingers together nervously, staring down at them instead of meeting his eyes, so he reached out with his right hand to still their knotting movement. She stopped wringing them, dropped the left, and just let him hold her right hand in his for a moment. But then he pulled his fingers away to continue in a low, serious voice. « You should not apologize to me or to anyone for living your life. You should not care what I think or what anyone else does. You need to be happy. You deserve that. And as for me.. » But before he could finish, Jing-Mei had burst through the door and his beeper went off. « You have to get to Northwestern, » Chen gasped.  
  
**  
  
Days passed and Elizabeth still felt like their conversation was unfinished. His words hung in the air. « As for me. » Well, what about him ? she thought. She could have called a friend at Northwestern to find out what had happened with Robert's study. She could have asked Chen. Instead she just waited for their next chance meeting. But he hadn't been in on Thursday, and as another quiet weekend passed, she pondered calling him or stopping by his house or making some excuse to show up at Mercy where he was on Mondays and just bump into him there. And as she looked over her surgical schedule for the next day and saw Dorsett's name, she realized that she hadn't thought of Edward at all.  
  
**  
  
Trying to ignore Edward's pointed looks from across the operating table, Elizabeth carefully removed a lymph node and requested some suction from the nurse. Her pager went off at her hip, but she ignored it and continued the procedure. When it went off twice more, she finally had to ask Shirley to check the number. When Shirley read it off, Elizabeth didn't recognize it, but just then the phone started to ring in the OR. A nurse picked it up and called over, « Dr Corday, it's for you. » « Tell them I'm otherwise occupied, » Elizabeth responded, focused on a small incision she was making. « It's Dr Romano, » the nurse replied, « He says he has to talk to you. » Elizabeth let out an exasperated breath, less annoyed that Robert was calling than that Edward was listening to this ridiculous three-way conversation. « Would you please tell him that I'm operating, » Elizabeth requested. « He says don't make him talk to you over the speaker, » the nurse answered. Then when she didn't continue, Elizabeth turned to look at her. The nurse was listening and nodding. She looked at Elizabeth again and just said. « You should take this. »  
  
Elizabeth looked at Dorsett and without the slightest hint of apology announced, « I'll be right back. » She went to the phone with her hands in the air to stay sterile and let the nurse hold the receiver to her ear. Robert's voice was low and steady. « Elizabeth. I think you should scrub out and come over to Mercy now. » « Robert, if you're trying to hire me away, this is really not the best time, » Elizabeth joked. « I'm serious, » he answered, « It's Ella. »  
  
**  
  
Earlier that day, Robert had observed the third successful completion in his protocol for pediatric donation. Subjects B-1 and B-2 - he tried not to learn their names, just in case - were recovering well with no sign of rejection even without the usual high does of immuno-suppressant drugs. He didn't feel the instant gratification he used to when he had just finished a successful procedure, but he was starting to feel a slow satisfaction that he might be doing something good, slowly changing how transplant surgery worked throughout the city and maybe one day the world.  
  
He decided to check on B-1 again and took the stairs to pedes. As he was walking through the hall, he happened to glance through a glass door and see a face he thought he knew. A child's face. But not one of his recent patients. His heart stopped for a second and he pushed past an orderly into the suture room. « Who brought her in ? » he demanded. The nurse turned from her last stitch in the child's forehead. « MVA, » the nurse replied. « The driver's being taken to surgery. There she is. » As a gurney wheeled by, Robert saw a young blond woman lying on it unconscious, Ella's babysitter. He let out his breath and turned to the child who had been quiet up to this point. When she recognized Robert, though, she let out a wail and held out her arms to him. He reached for her and she jumped to his chest, clamping her small arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder as shock gave way to fear and slowly to relief. « It's okay, » Robert reassured both the child and the nurse, explaining to the woman, « She's the daughter of a colleague from County. » After shushing Ella for a few minuets, he held her away from him to look her over carefully. Except for the cut above her eye, she was perfect. He sighed, grabbed her chart and told the nurse, « I'll take her to my office and call her mom. »  
  
**  
  
When Elizabeth burst through his office door almost an hour later, she didn't see anyone at first, but then when she heard Ella's giggle, she looked down and saw Robert's shoes sticking out from behind his desk. She circled round and saw them on the floor playing with a set of soft blocks which just wouldn't build high enough for any kind of respectable tower. Elizabeth knelt down and circled her daughter in her arms, pulling her into a tight hug which she didn't loosen until Ella's squirming forced her to. Then she looked up at Robert who was sitting on the floor looking at her.  
  
« Do you want to see her chart ?» he asked softly. Elizabeth shook her head and fingered Ella's stitches. « I trust you, » she answered. 


	6. ch 6

In her dream, the pillow was his chest and her face was pressed against its warmth, just over his heart. She could hear its soft steady thump and feel his gentle breaths as they made his rib cage rise and fall, rocking her like waves in a calm ocean. In the curve between their bodies Ella nestled sleeping, molding herself perfectly to their shape, curled up like a kitten. Elizabeth looked up, mindful not to move her head too quickly, careful not to disturb her favorite sleepers. She saw that he wasn't asleep but rather that he was looking down lovingly at her and her daughter. When their eyes met, they both whispered « shhhh » at the same time, not wanting to wake Ella, and then they both smiled as he bent his neck to softly move his lips to hers, pressing her gently against him with his right arm, completing the circle of their calm, effortless happiness.  
  
**  
  
When the phone rang, she burrowed her head deeper into the pillow, not wanting the dream to end but knowing already that it was only a dream. She groaned and reached for the phone. It was 6 :30am. The voice wasn't Robert's.  
  
It was a man's voice and one she didn't know. « Dr. Corday, » it began haltingly, « I'm sorry to call so early, but no one here will help us, no one will explain. » She soon realized that the man on the phone was Kris's father and that Kris had had some complications. When Elizabeth got to the hospital, having reluctantly left Ella with an early-rising neighbor, Robert was already there giving orders at Kris' bedside. « I thought you didn't have surgical privileges here, » she whispered to him. He pulled her aside to a corner and looked at her gravely before responding in a whisper, « I don't, but the butchers who operated on her shouldn't either. » He pointed to an x-ray of Kris's stomach hanging on the light board and Elizabeth winced. A sponge had been left inside the abdominal cavity and was pressing on a vein. They'd have to open her again.  
  
Elizabeth was wondering if Robert could wangle a way for her to scrub in. She knew there was no way he could be considering working on Kris himself. Suddenly, the door to the room opened and an older man marched in. It was Dan Marsh, chief of surgery at Mercy. Robert had called him at 7am.  
  
**  
  
As Marsh took over, Elizabeth led Kris's parents into the corridor and turned surprised to see Robert following. « She's in good hands, » he assured the couple. And then, more gently, he suggested, « What about a cup of coffee ? » Elizabeth and Robert led the Dunns to the cafeteria which was brighter and more cheerful than the one at County. On the way there, Elizabeth had silently reflected on the ease which with Robert had handed off the surgical patient to Marsh. Not insisting that he scrub in or jockeying for her to. Not wanting to observe the procedure. Just summoning the top doctor at the hospital and then stepping aside.  
  
When the four of them found a table, Robert stayed standing to get the coffee. Elizabeth wondered how he'd manage four cups but decided to let him figure it out while she talked to the concerned couple before her. She wasn't sure how much Robert had told them or how much she should. The malpractice claim against the last surgeon could be substantial, but they needed to know, to understand, and Elizabeth began to explain.  
  
When Robert came back with a tray, carefully balanced between hand and prosthetic, he didn't interrupt, just placed it on the table and sat down. Once Elizabeth was finished speaking Mr Dunn looked at Robert with a shake of the head. « Why didn't you tell us ? » he asked. Robert shifted in his chair. « My first priority was to find the best way to make your daughter better. My second priority was to protect the hospital. » He stood and picked up his coffee, and started to leave. « Dr Romano, » Mrs Dunn said softly, but there was nothing else to say. 


	7. ch 7

Elizabeth found him a few hours later in his office, leaning back in his chair, feet propped up on his desk, reading a medical journal. She knocked and entered with a smile. « Kris is awake, » she announced. « I know, » he smiled a reply, « Marsh was in here earlier. »  
  
« Uh-oh, » Elizabeth mumbled. « Uh-oh is right, » Robert countered. « He laid into me for that early-morning wake up call. And for getting over- involved in patient care in the first place. I'm here primarily in a research capacity, after all. »  
  
« But he did mention that the operation was a success, » she continued, laughing off Robert's mention of the reprimand. She knew he loved to challenge authority, to remind the boss that he was boss.  
  
« Well, he did brag about the technique he used to reopen the incision, » Robert paused. « My technique, » he finished somewhere between regret and pride.  
  
Elizabeth wasn't sure how to leave this, but she wanted to remind Robert that no matter who the surgeon was, the patient would recover in large part because of him. « She's going to be fine, » Elizabeth said gently, adding « The Dunns told me that you stayed with them all night. » « I should have been in the OR, » he interrupted a bit bitterly.  
  
« You were there for that family, » she insisted.  
  
« And I let them down. And then I lied to them. »  
  
« And then you made decisions that saved their daughter, » Elizabeth concluded firmly.  
  
Robert looked at his lap and responded in a shaky voice. « They almost lost her. »  
  
« Hey. Hey, » Elizabeth reminded him, « But she's okay, » and as she murmured these words, she walked around the dek to put a hand on Robert's shoulder.  
  
He was still breathing shakily, and she left her hand there to steady him until he leaned away from her touch to look at her with a slightly sarcastic smile. « So you think I'm going all soft on you ? » he asked in answer to her attempt at closeness.  
  
Elizabeth's lips curved into a slightly wicked little smile. Normally, that last comment would have led to innuendo, but they were still almost touching so she decided to sidestep the temptation. « Well, at least this time I didn't come in to find you playing on the floor with a toddler. » She paused, « But it's not as if I don't like seeing the softer side of you. »  
  
She met his eyes and felt drawn into those dark depths. The warmth between them was engulfing her, making her breathe a little faster, making her cheeks flush and her heart bump.  
  
Then the half-open door swung in and a nurse appeared. « Dr Romano, » the labs are back on the Nelson boy, » the nurse announced. « Oh, sorry ! » she interrupted herself seeing Elizabeth there. But before Robert could introduce her, Elizabeth made some excuse to leave and walked briskly out the door.  
  
**  
  
On the night shift, Elizabeth took more than her share of coffee breaks. It was slow anyway, even in the ER, and she was tired. She looked into her cup of black coffee and then half closed her eyes, remembering that last glance she'd had of Robert that morning, talking to the young, blond nurse as Elizabeth looked back through the glass panel next to his office door. He was wearing one of his more colorful dress shirts, a jade green one with French cuffs and flashy cufflinks that must have posed a good challenge to his prosthesis. Straining against his suspenders, his shoulders looked quite broad. He must be lifting to work up to maximum control of the device, Elizabeth thought. His jaw was as strong and determinedly set as usual, but shaved very close. He must have shaven sometime during the night on a break from watching Kris in recovery, she thought. Elizabeth kind of missed the beard he'd grown during his own recovery, but she also liked the smoothness of his pale but rosy skin. When he'd first seen her enter the room and smiled, she'd noticed how pink and sweet his lips were. Like a child's she thought. He must have been a mischievous and charming little boy. A red-headed prankster she thought, remembering how red his sideburns looked next to his ears, all delicate and pink. She let a little sigh escape her lips at the thought of how soft his earlobe would feel if she'd just stroked it with her fingertip when Luka startled her with a laugh.  
  
« Imagining yourself someplace else ? » He asked. « Anywhere but here, » she joked. « I know the feeling, » he responded with understanding. Then more maliciously, « Want to share the fantasy ? »  
  
Elizabeth started, wondering just what sort of expression her features had formed when Luka had caught her thinking.of Robert ! Oh, God. She had to cover up fast. « Just planning a little birthday get-away with my daughter, » Elizabeth replied, trying to regain her composure. « Ella's birthday ? » Luka asked. « Well, no actually, » Elizabeth confessed, « mine. »  
  
**  
  
That Thursday evening, Robert was in his office at County writing up a summary of the first five successful procedures for the grant steering committee when Chen poked her head in through the open door. « Dr Romano ? » she asked carefully. « Yes ? » he answered without looking up. « Well, we're having a party in the lounge and.. » He looked up and stared at her, disguising his surprise at being invited to one of those silly lounge parties for the first time in his career at County. "Bring me some cake, » he ordered and looked back down at his draft. « Umm.., » Chen continued, « It's for Dr Corday. It's her 40th, and.. » Romano swallowed, controlling his response , « Wish her well for me then, » he replied.  
  
**  
  
When Elizabeth got home that evening after the surprise party that was of course not such a surprise (the tradition at County was there to stay despite any rules that Robert or Kerry had tried to put in place), she opened the front door and sighed. Ella was asleep and the new sitter was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper. « Thanks Grace, » Elizabeth said with another sigh. The girl handed Elizabeth her mail, smiled, and left, looking back over her shoulder to add, « Happy birthday. » It must have been all of the cards thought Elizabeth, noticing two : one from her father and one from her dentist's office. She laughed. Mother's would be a month late as usual.  
  
Then, in the center of a table she noticed a small velvet box. She opened it to find a tiny card inside just covering the coil of a long, delicate gold chain. « Happy 40th » the card was signed, « R. »  
  
**  
  
That day in the hospital with Ella on the floor, Robert had seen Elizabeth lean over and a silver chain slip out from the collar of her soft blouse. On the end dangled a gold band. She'd tucked the ring and the chain back into her blouse in an unconscious gesture and without noticing that her movement had attracted Robert's attention. He immediately realized that she was no longer wearing her wedding ring on her left hand. He also noticed that the silver chain (that held the ring safe around her neck and suspended just over her heart) and the gold ring didn't match. 


	8. ch 8

Elizabeth held the fine gold chain between her fingers, looking at it glinting in the light, the gold seemed to shimmer all the more through her tears..  
  
**  
  
Earlier that evening, after Chen's invitation to the party and his casual refusal, Robert bolted from his chair and out of the hospital before he could stop to reconsider what he was about to do. Once he had bought the necklace, scribbled the card, driven it to her home and handed it to a perplexed new babysitter, he sat in his car in front of her house trying to catch his breath. His heart pounded, blood crashing in his ears. What had he just done ?  
  
Later that night he stretched out on his livingroom couch, sipping on a single malt scotch and listening to the sad, sweet sounds of a solo cello recording he had bought just after his surgery. He was trying to imagine her reaction to the gift. Was she completely surprised or more likely shocked ? Had such a personal gesture invaded her private space ? Had this particular present gotten too close to her memories of Mark ? Would she know what he'd wanted this token to mean ? Did he ?  
  
Three nights passed like this and on the third Robert set down his drink and set his jaw, making a silent resolution to just let it go. To let her go. After all, they had known each other for what seemed like forever. Well, it had been five years. How many times had he made a fool of himself trying to vie for her attentions ? Each time he had revealed himself to her, each time he had laid bare his anger, his fear, his sharp, naked desire for her, she had pulled away, retreating behind a calm, cool façade. She was distant, unobtainable, unchangingly beautiful and would never be his.  
  
**  
  
Upstairs in her bedroom, Elizabeth slowly unclasped the latch on the silver chain, removed it from her neck and slipped the ring from it carefully to slide it back onto her finger, but this time onto the ring finger of her right hand. After putting the old chain in a jewelry box on her dresser, she picked up the necklace Robert had given her and put it on in front of the mirror, carefully closing the tiny clasp. When she looked at her reflection, at the gold gleaming on her bare neck, she impulsively reached up to touch it, to smooth the links over her smooth skin. She blushed slightly, imagining that her touch was his.  
  
Just then, the doorbell rang, and she ran down the stairs in her nightgown, knowing it would be him. But when she opened it, breathless and expectant, there was a strange man there, a taxi driver setting down two large suitcases. And from the taxi, under a pouring rain, emerged her mother.  
  
**  
  
After three days, Elizabeth finally had to ask, « Mother, you've never just come to visit without a reason. Um, not that your company isn't a delight.. » Isabelle laughed before responding, « Well, it's not every year that my only daughter turns 40, » she reminded as if she hadn't been taunting Elizabeth about her age ever since she'd arrived. « And of course I miss my grand daughter. » Elizabeth looked over at her mother with skepticism. As much as Isabelle loved Ella, her patience with the toddler was strained after about an hour. « Well, and by the looks of you, there's a man hidden somewhere around here, and I'm not leaving til I see who it is. »  
  
Elizabeth started to stammer a denial, but blushed like a school girl and said nothing. It was just like when her mother had been called to the headmistress's office at school when Elizabeth had been caught in a boy's room before breakfast. Mother had only looked mildly irritated then if not slightly amused. Now Isabelle's expression turned from playful teasing to one of quiet concern as Elizabeth persisted in her silence. Isabelle, though was not so easily deterred, but instead of arguing she just offered Elizabeth a cup of tea and a steady stare.  
  
As Elizabeth accepted the tea cup, a flood of memories rushed back over her. Of that other morning in the kitchen with mother and tea. Her wedding morning. In a rare moment of understanding, Isabelle asked gently, « Are you thinking about Mark ? » Elizabeth nodded, « I remember so many details of that day, » she whispered, stopping to catch herself before she really broke down. But she forced herself to finish the thought, « but it feels like it was another life. » Isabelle waited a minute for Elizabeth to regain her composure before concluding in a determined but quiet tone, « That's just it. You're still alive. »  
  
**  
  
In his office at Mercy, Robert closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the chair. Despite the success of his most recent presentation to the steering committee, he felt and looked defeated. The door pushed gently open, and he pulled himself together enough to look up and see who was there. It was Cecily, the pedes nurse who had worked some of the most difficult cases with him. « You look like you've lost your best friend, » she joked softly. Robert tried to laugh, but he felt that he had.  
  
He looked back to his computer, pretending to be otherwise occupied, waiting for her to explain why she was there or better yet waiting for her to give up and go. When she didn't leave, he turned back to her irritably, « Don't you have somewhere to go ? A home ? A dog ? A plant to water ? » Realizing how harsh that had sounded, he began to apologize when she interrupted quietly, « I'm all alone. My husband left last year, » but then she brightened, « But there is my fish. Maurice. A chilean sea bass. He's waiting for me in the fridge, and if you give me a ride home, I'll roast him for you. » Blond, usually a little shy, funny, thought Robert, and he slid on his jacket and stood up.  
  
A little while later, he was following Cecily into her dark, quiet apartment. As she prepared the ill-fated fish, Robert glanced at her CD collection, her framed vacation photos, her plants. He couldn't think of anything to say, but she didn't seem to mind. They spent the evening mostly in silence over a decent meal washed down with cheap chardonnay. After he thanked her, standing up from the card table, she followed him to the front door and put her hand on the knob, sliding in between Robert and his exit. Good God, he thought, stunned, she wants a good night kiss. Since the accident, especially since the amputation, he had had no thoughts of kissing a woman. Okay, no thoughts of any woman but one. He certainly had no illusions of anyone wanting him to kiss her. He could no longer hold a woman in his arms. He could no longer put his hands in her hair while they .. But Cecily was still patiently waiting, so he just leaned in, eyes closed, and kissed her quickly. Then he moved past her and left.  
  
**  
  
After taking a personal day to spend with her mother, Elizabeth was back at County. She silently counted five days since she'd received Robert's gift and more than that since they'd last spoken. Well, he'd waited five years for her after all. He could wait another five minutes. She'd just start with a thank you and then see..  
  
As she approached his office, Elizabeth heard Pratt's unmistakable laugh. « Tinkerbell just laid a wet one on Captain Hook, » he was saying to Chen who looked pretty amused herself. « That's not nice, » she corrected him. « Hey, » Pratt retorted, « I back the brother. I am all for the one-armed men of the world reclaiming their mojo. » When Elizabeth reached them, Pratt was already off down the hall, still laughing and shaking his head. « What's got him in such a good mood ? » Elizabeth asked Chen with a friendly smile. « Well, » Chen answered embarrassed, « It looks like Romano's got a girlfriend. »  
  
**  
  
In her dream, his hands were up under her hair, closing the clasp. His fingers trailed down after the chain and his lips followed, sipping at the soft, supple skin of her neck and shoulder. He pulled her back against his chest, wrapping his arms around her to tighten their embrace, so that against her back she could feel the strong outline of his chest. Whispering something she couldn't understand, the tip of his tongue touched her ear and tickled her deliciously. As her knees weakened, he held her against him, one hand at her waist, while the fingers of the other trailed down the inside of her bare arm. When he found her hand he brought it up to his lips.. Writhing, perspiring and then cringeing with embarrassment, Elizabeth awakened, hoping that her mother hadn't heard her moaning his name in her sleep. 


	9. ch 9

She'd been avoiding him all day, which was slightly more challenging a task than usual since he'd been up on the surgical floor since morning. While Dorsett and Anspaugh worked on one of his pedes patients, Robert paced in the waiting area of the OR like a racehorse forgotten in the stable during the derby.  
  
When Elizabeth emerged from the lounge, she crashed right into him, and all there was to do was to reopen the door and beckon him in with a knowing, « Coffee while you wait ? »  
  
Over the coffee, they sat in uncomfortable and unaccustomed silence. Elizabeth ran a million opening lines through her head, but instead of any of them, she just blurted out, « So, back to blondes ? » « What ? » Robert answered too quickly and a little angrily. « That nurse from Mercy. »Elizabeth was regretting her question already when to her great relief the door opened and Dorsett thrust himself through it, still trailing his surgical mask and scrub coat.  
  
Robert snapped to attention but Dorsett had his back to him, tearing off his mask before throwing it to the floor in disgust. « Someone fucked up the blood types, » he spat, « We couldn't use the kidney. »  
  
**  
  
Later that day, Robert was in his office, papers flying furiously across his desk, tracking the test results of the failed subject, trying to find the source of the error for which he ultimately would be held accountable.  
  
He was interrupted by a very timid knock and Chen leaned in a little. « Help me find the damn labs or get the hell out, » he barked at her, looking back down to his desk, « Umm, Dr Romano. » « What the hell is it ? » he broke in, looking up with a glare and looking like he might fly across the room and break her. « I thought you might want to know that they moved Dr Corday to medicine. » « What ? » he asked less angrily and more confused. « She vagaled in the ER a while ago, nothing serious, but.. » Robert sprung out of his chair and flew out the door.  
  
**  
  
Elizabeth woke with what felt like the worst hangover she'd ever had. Through her bleary eyes she saw Robert, sitting in the corner of the room, seemingly intent on studying the pattern of the linoleum squares on the floor. « Robert, » she whispered, just loudly enough for him to hear her. He stood, straightened, and walked to the bed, sitting down carefully by her shoulder. « You vagaled in the hall, but everything's okay. CT is fine. Blood pressure meds are in. You just need to rest. Well, and ice the bump. » As Elizabeth reached up to gingerly touch the knot on the side of her head, Robert stood to leave. « Are you leaving ? » she asked a bit pitifully. He turned and smiled reassurance, « I'll be back. I'm just going to call your house to see that someone can watch Ella tonight. »  
  
As he turned back to the door, it opened in his face and he was eye to eye with Isabelle Corday.  
  
**  
  
Out in the waiting area, Chen was entertaining Ella, but when the toddler saw Robert she immediately clamored for him to pick her up. As Chen's pager sounded, Robert took Ella in his arms and smiled a little at Jing- Mei. « I'm okay here, » he said. Sitting back down with the child, he spoke to her in a quiet voice, teasingly asking if she'd been enjoying her grandma's visit. « Does she read you your horoscope at bedtime ? » he whispered with a chuckle, « Does she let you play catch with her crystal ball ? » Robert's already familiar voice soothed Ella who just looked at him with big eyes and sucked on the end of his silk tie. Oh well, he shrugged, it's an honest mistake. After all, the bright blue tie was patterned with little bunches of red, juicy-looking cherries.  
  
When Isabelle reemerged a little while later, she fixed the pair with a stare and then softened to a smile. « You've never heard of a baggie full of cheerios ? » Robert asked her with a pointed look down at his slobber- drenched tie. « This kid is starving. » « Well, » countered Isabelle, « I'll buy you both a treat at the cafeteria. If you're good. » Robert nodded, following her, still carrying Ella in his arms.  
  
After buying a snack for Ella and tea for Isabelle, Robert joined them at a table. They didn't have anything to say to each other and just watched Ella eat a banana and drink some milk. « She wants to see you before you leave, » Isabelle finally said. « Of course, » Robert answered.  
  
**  
  
When he reopened the door to Elizabeth's hospital room, she was dozing. He took the moment to study her face. Her dark eyelashes looked thick and soft against her milky cheek. Her mouth looked moist as she opened it to take a deep breath and then to let out a soft sigh. As she turned in her sleep, Robert watched the graceful movement of her arm, gently sliding across the top of the sheet to fall again at her side, slender fingers open as if waiting to hold his hand.  
  
His throat tightened as he thought about how beautiful and fragile she looked there. Nothing could ever happen to her, Robert reassured himself. I can't ever let anything hurt her, he thought. I have to always be close, always make sure, even if being this close without us ever being together is the most painful thing of all..  
  
« You could work on your bedside manner, » her voice lilted through his last thought.  
  
He smiled at her, approached the bed, and when she gestured with her head at a spot beside her, he sat down. And impulsively, he took her right hand in his. She looked at their hands together, her mouth moved as if to speak, but then her lips trembled a little as she began, « I know I wasn't there for you. » Robert squeezed her hand gently to stop this apology, saying « I knew you were busy. In the ER. » « B-but, » she stammered, then insisted, « I was there in your surgery. You'd just fallen asleep on me. » She ended with a little teasing smirk and Robert quirked an eyebrow in surprise. « You were there ? » « I guess you don't remember our little conversation in recovery, then ? » she continued, now dazzling him with a wide grin. « Oh God, » he groaned, « Who else was there ? What did I say ? ? ? » 


	10. ch 10

Thinking back to that strange moment in recovery with Robert lying there, looking so unlike himself, so pale and soft, and seeing him now, laughing and strong, Elizabeth was struck by the constrast. What reserves of inner strength had it taken to effect this transformation ? To make this kind of recovery in this amount of time spoke volumes of his drive, his determination, his almost superhuman will. The vulnerable victim lying on the table last May and the robust, energetic man sitting next to her now were like two different people. Would this man, eyes sparkling with impatience and inquisitiveness, this powerful, stubborn, independent man be capable of saying those words to her ever again ?  
  
She tensed involuntarily, squeezing his hand without meaning to, and he looked at her more closely with a mix of curiosity and concern. She turned her eyes away from him a moment to collect her thoughts and compose her face. After all, she thought, he had only made that sweet, sincere declaration under the influence of some heavy-duty narcotics. No one could take anything he said in that state seriously. That's how she had escaped the teasing of the others in the room. The usually gossipy scrub nurses had been totally silent, even though Elizabeth was sure that they had all overheard Robert's mumbled avowals. Everyone knew that after anaesthesia, patients said the strangest things, things which they hadn't meant and couldn't remember after. But unconsciously, she had been holding on to those words for months. The idea that he truly loved her. In the loneliest moments, and often in the moments just after sex with a man she knew had no real feelings for her, Elizabeth would remember the softness of Robert's voice, the simplicity of his words, the way he had said her name. Maybe she had avoided him after the surgery not to protect him but to protect herself. To save herself from the realization that he hadn't meant what he had said. To preserve the fantasy that someone out there loved her.  
  
After she had squeezed his hand, Robert had tensed too. In that touch, that moment of quick gentle pressure, he had felt something. Her wedding ring. It was back on. He looked away from her in disappointment, fixing his eyes on the floor, not caring about the conversation that had been dropped mid-question, feeling again like he had lost his way in the maze of their too-twisted interaction. One moment he felt that he was moving towards her in a straight line, that they were about to connect, that there would suddenly be this moment of recognition when she'd look into his eyes and know everything that he'd been hiding. And in the next he was lost, wandering in a dark place, adrift on that familiar swell of sadness. He knew that she didn't mean to hurt him, but everytime they got close ..  
  
« Hey,hey, » she interrupted his thoughts, tugging at his hand. « Come back here, you ! » she teased affectionately. All of the sudden she had become aware of his sudden slipping away from her, of his sinking into dejection. His sad expression tugged at her heart, and she pulled him back toward her. In that movement he noticed against her white neck a golden gleam, a flash of metal, and suddenly his heart flooded with happiness. She was wearing the necklace he'd given to her. She'd accepted it without asking for an explanation. Maybe she knew what he'd wanted her to know. Maybe it was all so much easier than he'd thought.  
  
They were facing each other then and he suddenly felt that anything was possible, that he could tell her that he loved her, that she would just let him. But the longer he waited and the quieter she was the more overwhelmed he felt by the enormity of it all, by how much he really did love her, by how much he had to lose if he told her now. He bit his bottom lip, trying to keep back the words, to save himself, when she reached out to touch his mouth, tentatively and gently as if worried that he might bite too hard and start to bleed. He found that she was delicately stroking his lip with her finger and that her eyes were watching this mesmerizing movement as if she was somehow disconnected from her own action. He closed his own eyes and took just the tip of her finger between his lips, tasting her with his tongue as if she were some delicacy that he had never before savored.  
  
Elizabeth thought that her chest would explode from the pounding of her heart, so she slid her finger out of his mouth and down the line of his jaw, finally deciding to hold his chin in her hand, to keep his face turned towards hers. Robert slowly reopened his eyes as if waking from the most fascinating dream he had ever had. « Ummm, » he began haltingly, « I, um » Elizabeth shook her head to tell him that his words were not necessary, but he continued, « I don't know if I can stand to look at you any longer, » he began, and she blinked in hurt, misunderstanding his meaning. « No !, » he objected but softly, « you're just too . » and as she smiled her understanding they drifted into silence at their wordless confession of everything they were feeling for each other. After quite some time of this, Elizabeth leaned forward and gently pulled him behind her so that she could lie back against his chest, so that he could cradle her head in the well of his collar bone, so that she could look down for as long as she wanted at their clasped right hands resting in her lap.  
  
After more silence, Elizabeth moved her lips toward his ear and whispered a nervous challenge, « What about the blond ? » Robert's chest bounced up in a laugh. When Elizabeth wrinkled her nose in annoyance, he finally answered. « Well, I guess I just thought you were a bigger person than that. I mean, I love Ella and all, but if you're going to be that jealous ..... » Elizabeth's wrinkled brow smoothed into a smile, but she gave his hand a playful tap anyway.  
  
Then after a moment, her brow furrowed again as she looked around the hospital room. « What if something happened to me ? What if I really was ill ? What about Ella ? » she asked him, her voice choked with frightened tears. Robert pulled her back towards him in a warm, strong embrace and whispered reassuring shushing sounds into her hair much like he'd done with her small, frightened daughter not long ago. « Lizzie, » he said, half- stern, half soft, « your doctor orders you not to worry now. I'm going to take good care of you, » he promised. Tears of gratitude slipped down her cheeks, and she turned in his arms to face him, to bury her head against his shoulder and to tighten their embrace. As he stroked her hair with his hand, he repeated her name in a whisper, « Oh Lizzie, Lizzie, it's okay. » She looked up at him then with her tear-stained face, realizing that it had been a long time since he'd called her Lizzie. He wiped away a tear with his finger and continued, « But you know, it's alright to cry sometimes. You don't always have to be the strong one. » And when she tried a little smile for him he smiled back, kissed her gently and almost chastely on the lips, and murmured against her smile, inside of their kiss, « I love you. » 


End file.
